Negotiating is a skill we use every day, often without realizing it—whether it’s discussing a salary raise or simply deciding where to eat dinner. Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, takes an unconventional approach to negotiation in his book “Never Split the Difference.” Here are five key lessons I took away from his insights:
1. Tactical Empathy is Key
Voss emphasizes that successful negotiation starts with understanding the emotions and perspectives of the other person. This technique, called tactical empathy, involves deeply listening to the other party and acknowledging their feelings and concerns. It’s not about agreeing with them but showing that you genuinely understand where they are coming from. This builds trust, making the other person more open to your proposals.
Lesson learned: Negotiation isn’t about overpowering someone; it’s about creating a connection through empathy.
2. Mirroring Builds Rapport
One simple yet powerful tool Voss discusses is mirroring. This technique involves repeating the last few words the other person said. It’s subtle but highly effective in getting them to elaborate and feel understood. In a negotiation, people want to be heard, and mirroring can encourage them to reveal more about their position and motivations.
Lesson learned: By mirroring, you can gain valuable insights while making the other person feel more comfortable and open.
3. Label Emotions to Diffuse Tension
In high-stakes negotiations, emotions can run high. Voss suggests labeling the other person’s emotions—acknowledging what you observe by saying things like, “It seems like you’re frustrated” or “It sounds like this is really important to you.” This helps to diffuse tension and makes the other party feel validated, often leading to a more productive conversation.
Lesson learned: Address emotions directly to lower defenses and open the door to better communication.
4. No is the Beginning, Not the End
One of the most counterintuitive lessons I learned is that hearing “no” in a negotiation is actually a good thing. According to Voss, “no” provides clarity and gives the other party a sense of control. It’s often the start of a deeper discussion rather than a dead-end. Once someone says “no,” they feel more secure, and you can begin to explore what they truly want.
Lesson learned: Don’t fear “no”—it’s an opportunity to dig deeper into what really matters to the other person.
5. Silence is Powerful
In negotiations, silence can be your best ally. After making an offer or asking a difficult question, staying quiet can prompt the other person to fill the silence. This often leads them to reveal information or reconsider their position. Voss explains that people are uncomfortable with silence, and they’ll often give you more than they intended just to break it.
Lesson learned: Don’t rush to fill the silence—let it work in your favor.